Responding to Failure Purposefully
No one sets out to fail. Obviously. But it’s something that is inevitable for all of us at some point, whether in our athletic endeavors, professional life, personal goals, or relationships. Too often though we are left with only platitudes in their wake that doesn’t actually help in any purposeful way:
Just pick yourself and try again.
Failure is an opportunity to learn.
Failure is a part of success.
Everything happens for a reason. (my least favorite)
What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.
Blah, blah, blah. You get it and have heard them all (maybe offered them out yourself), plus some. This may give people a brief spark of inspiration or check on perspective that can help navigate the initial bumps and bruises of failure, but they do nothing to actually lead to any real or meaningful change. So if you’re looking for motivational speech here to recount the next time you’re faced with a setback, you can stop reading now.
Instead, what I’ll offer is a systematic way to help you navigate failure more effectively. There is nothing sexy or inspiring about it; just plain, hard (sometimes slow) work and purposeful mindsets to help you respond to failure so you can move forward, even (especially) when things don’t go as planned.
1. Develop a resilient, whole-person identity: Disconnect your identity from the outcomes of your performance from the get-go. You are SO MUCH more than what you achieve or produce. Identify and invest in all the important roles you play in your life.
2. Anchor yourself: What are you aiming towards AND more importantly, why is this important to you? How are you going to measure progress along the way?
3. Set specific, process oriented goals: These are the actionable steps you take that lead you toward your larger, outcome oriented goal. This is where you have impact and control, whereas the outcome of a game, your relationship, your career is dependent on multiple variables, some of which are completely out of your control.
Athlete example: “I will execute the specifics of the game/race plan.”
Why it works: This focuses on consistent behavior that’s within our control that supports performance (and impacts the outcome), rather than just saying “I want to win” or “I want to PR.”
Relationship example: “I will express genuine appreciation to my partner at least once a day, whether through words, gestures, or actions.”
Why it works: It’s not focused on a result like “having fewer arguments,” but on a behavior that builds connection over time.
Personal Development example: “I will spend 5 minutes every morning reflecting on and writing down the following”: What are the values guiding me today? What specific actions will reflect those values? What challenges may make this difficult, and what will I do to navigate those barriers so my actions can reflect what I say I value, even when faced with adversity?
Why it works: It’s a controllable habit that supports deeper self-awareness and growth, rather than aiming at a vague result like “becoming more self-aware” or “being more intentional.”
4. Develop a response plan for when failure occurs (because it will at some point):
Process: Objectively identify what went wrong and what you can learn from this experience.
Contain: Allow yourself to feel frustrated, angry, sad, etc. Accept these common emotional responses without judgment but limit the amount of time you allow for rumination. If you find yourself getting stuck here, practice containment using the “one thing rule”: one thing that went wrong, one thing I learned from this, one thing I can do differently next time.
Connect: Reflect the above with trusted others to foster insight, awareness, purposeful action plans, and support. Failure can often trigger a sense of shame in us, making us vulnerable to self-doubt and isolation. You are not alone though. Seek people who can help you build awareness of the interconnected nature of your thoughts, feelings, and actions so that you can develop a sense of agency as you move forward.
Act: With the insight you’ve gained from this failure, what’s at least one thing that’s in your control that you can start doing tomorrow to make an impact? Revisit your process oriented goals, focusing on the specific (often small but meaningful) behaviors you can take daily, weekly to progress forward.
5. Reset purposefully: Orient around the core-elements of self-compassion to reset after a setback. This is especially helpful if we have residual self-doubt showing up or if we need to bounce back quickly in the moment. Repeat as needed while moving forward.
Common humanity: Remember that you are not alone (even if it feels like you are). Pain from failure is something everyone has felt at some point but it doesn’t define you (again, reason to build a resilient, whole-person identity).
Awareness: Acknowledge the thoughts/feelings this brings up in you. Breathe to down-regulate heighten emotional responses that might show up. Remember, the stress-is-enhancing mindset: this is an opportunity to learn, adjust, and use the stress of this moment to make the next right play, move, action.
Kindness: What’s something kind and truthful you can say to yourself in the times where you may return to blame and rumination so you don’t stay stuck there? This likely isn’t your first thought so it will take some time and practice to develop this. If you can find your voice here, bring to mind a coach, friend or mentor and imagine what they may say.
Purposeful action: What action, right now, can you take that reflects your goals and values..
6. Separate yourself from the setback: You’ve done what’s needed to learn from and adjust as a result of the failure so in order to protect against further rumination on this that heightens our stress, self-doubt, and unhelpful internal chatter, create some perspective as you move forward by remembering to:
Focus on the basics: Prioritize sleep, nutrition, connection, your meaning/purpose, and stress management
Develop a helpful mindset: The next time you're faced with the same situation, see it as a challenge to tackle as opposed to a potential failure to avoid.
Take a third party perspective: How would you advise a friend if they were in the same situation?
See outside of yourself: Failures can’t often lead us to hyper-focus on ourselves and our egos. Step outside of this tendency toward unhelpful tunnel vision by doing something meaningful for someone else. Make this a habit.
Reconnect with steps 1 and 2 - your whole-person identity and anchor: Re-orient around who and what is most important to you. Reflect on why you do what you do. Do your daily actions reflect what you say you value?