In order to Do Well, We Have to Be Well: Build the Pillars of “Real SElf-cARe” to meet the demands of Life
The phrase self-care has always rubbed me the wrong way, even as a practicing therapist who firmly believes in its necessity to function optimally. Why it’s created some friction for me is quite simple: the name makes it feel fluffy, self-centered, and superfluous - something you do for yourself when needed as time and money allows.
And unfortunately, many people engage with it in this way. I recently had a mental skills training session with a group of collegiate coaches that reflects this perfectly. Given the high demands and stress of their profession, I prompted them around what they do to take care of themselves, and their answers were wide-ranging and yet seemed to reflect my point perfectly: I don’t really have time for the self-care stuff; go to therapy; get my nails done; think about and plan for the worst possible scenarios and big and small ways; pace in my office when I feel stressed.
I was shocked. The concept of caring for ourselves so that we can do our jobs well felt either foreign to folks or the mechanisms that they were using to address their well-being were surface level and minimally helpful at best. A recent survey completed by the NCAA has shown that due to the unique pressures of collegiate coaching, stress levels and mental health concerns have increased, with coaches reporting particular issues with feeling mentally exhausted and overwhelmed as well as difficulties with sleep. There has been such a high focus on meeting the mental health demands and needs of student-athletes, but what about the coaches who are leading those athletes?
The need for better “self-care” strategies is obviously there but the actual demand is not because coaches, much like myself, aren’t looking for some fluffy, feel-good solution to their problems. But what they (and so many others) don’t realize, is that these aren’t the answers; these are not real self-care. Don’t get me wrong. There is nothing inherently wrong with taking a vacation, getting your nails done, or getting a massage. In fact, those can be aspects of your stress management responses (one of the pillars of real self-care), but they are not the solutions in themselves and when they are offered as such it is no surprise that then they are seen by people who are navigating high stakes situations as just feel-good-fluff for those who are soft.
So what is real self-care then and how do we start to incorporate this into our life to manage the increased demands and stress we are experiencing? Below I will list out the six pillars of what I call “real self-care” and provide prompts for you to basically assess where your strengths are and where you may need some additional work and attention to better meet the demands of your day-to-day life.
SLEEP: What is the quality, quantity and consistency of your sleep?
NUTRITION: Do you feed and hydrate your body the way you would someone you love?
MOVEMENT: Do you get regular exercise?
CONNECTION/"MATTERING": Do you have relationships that are meaningful and supportive? Do you feel like you matter AND do you help others feel like they matter?
PURPOSE/MEANING: Why do you do what you do? What/who is it for?
STRESS MANAGEMENT: What helpful and healthy ways do you manage the stress of your job, relationships, and life?
While there is science to back the benefits of attending to these all pillars of self-care, the nuance of what each of these looks like is individualized and takes on-going attention and care. Reach out if building a routine of “real self-care” is something you’re after but you’re unsure of where to start or what this might look like given your particular life demands. Thanks for taking time today!